If I do not have the desire and the strength to put me on a diet, I should make peace with myself, accept what I am today, with my muscles, my fat, my abundant size, and stop being tormented.
The last 8 years of my life have been characterized by the conflict between what I like to eat and drink and what I would like to wear. At age 37 years, my metabolism allowed me to cheer up without thinking too much, with no major consequences on my weight.
I took my first "true" in 2009, when the scale told me that I was going beyond my personal fear of 60 kg. And since in 2009 I was "only" 37 years old, I managed to return to what I consider to be my weight, in a few months.
But then, after that that marvel of a man who then became my husband entered my life, kilos started to pile up again.
Luckily in 2012 I got married, and we all know that brides lose weight. But soon after, I started my fight to quit smoking, which ended with my victory in October of 2014. From there, however, the collapse began.
Within a very short time I put on 8 kg, exceeding abundantly the famous fear threshold. I started running, and, at first, I was able to my weight of a few pounds. But I've never been able to get back to my previous weight. Moreover, the increase in physical activity (not just running, but gym and yoga) has increased my lean mass, with the result that I went from a size 40-42 to an abundant 44.
I mean, nothing dramatic. I like to eat and drink, I cannot blame the destiny: I know to be the "cause of my being bad." So if I do not have the desire and the strength to put me on a diet, I should make peace with myself, accept what I am today, with my muscles, my fat, my abundant size, and stop being tormented.
Lately I'm noticing a trend that comes from the US (like all trends): "You are just the way you are." This is said by the (few) "differently thin" Yoga teachers. And I would be fine, indeed, I should repeat it to myself as a mantra. But I cannot, because it does not convince me completely. If we really were as good as we are, we should never do anything to improve ourselves. Instead, I did and do so many things with the spirit of getting to be the "best possible version" of me. The problem, perhaps, is precisely in the definition of perfection.
There are days when I look at the mirror and think "well, you're not so bad", and days when I feel disgusting. Every woman "otherwise lean" knows what I'm talking about. Because unfortunately we are all slaves of the models that propagate society, through the tv, the web, the newspapers. And we are all slave of measurements telling us whether we are overweight or obese, or of pictures that tell us how waistline and our hips, or our skin should be. And all of us, we are judging ourselves and others by the same parameters. I have never heard a compliment different from "have you lost weight? You look great!". If you're not slim, but you've put on muscle mass, nobody notices it, and no one compliments you.
The only "value" is weight. It does mean nothing if after 40 years of age, slimming often equates to a skin decay, certainly not aesthetically beautiful. They tell you, "You're fine" just because you're slim. I sometimes want to comment on "you're slimmed too much", but it would sound resentful.
But beyond all these considerations, I think is that this "being fine" often has nothing to do with your weight. I'm overweight, and yet I'm fine. In the sense that I'm healthy, I do not have any particular disorder, I do so much physical activity, I can even run (despite the extra kgs). And yet the mirror shows me an image that I can not accept without torment, because it is different from what my mind has built as a child.
It would all be easier if we began to make compliments for things other than weight. Maybe noticing a beautiful smile or a happy, serene look.
Because it is not true that slim persons are happier than the ones overweight.
"Being good" is an infinitely complex concept and we (women) should stop to express it in kilograms.